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PAUL II – First Class
By Jamie MacArthur
It has been a while since Paul left Clive (Nick Frost) and Graeme (Simon Pegg) behind in Texas and joined his friends on board the spaceship. Now that he’s a free alien he’s on his way to meet up with his wife of sixty years – Vera who is in England. She works as a school teacher, a tattoo artist and is also an alien advisor to the Queen.
It’s 2009 and Paul is flying over Britain. From a battered old radio in his craft, the familiar tones of David Bowie filter through the spaceship. Paul, cranks the volume up and begins to sing along, he clearly knows this one well, “-Look out your window I can see his li-i-ight, if we can sparkle he may land tonigh-igh-ight, don’t tell your poppa or he’ll get us locked up in fright. There’s a starman waiting in the sky….” “Sorry David, I’ve gotta move on,” Paul says as he begins to retune the old radio looking for another track. Between the hisses comes, “We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when…” the hissing interrupts again, “Oh come on Vera!” Paul shouts in frustration. Twiddling the dial again, Paul manages to hit a wind turbine in Lincolnshire. One of the 66foot blades is lost and another is badly damaged. He’s not used to ‘wind turbines’ in Nevada! The blade hits the saucer so hard that Paul’s craft is sent hurtling through the air 100 miles west.
In the small Welsh town of Llewsor, Bill Bailey is leading an expedition in bird watching. As they follow the flight of a Common Rosefinch the group of enthusiasts turn and look far into the distance. At that moment, behind them, Paul’s craft is rolling along the ground at some pace destroying everything in its path. Hedges, trees and gates lie flattened in its wake. The birdwatchers turn back to where the Common Rosefinch had left, to be greeted with a flat landscape scarred by the edges of Paul’s ship. “Well that was a close encounter!” Bill brings himself to say upon this sight.
Meanwhile, Paul’s shuttle continues to bounce along the ground throwing him around inside as it bumps and bashes over rocks and ditches. Screams of “shit, shit, What the fuck, ouch fuck, shit” can be heard. He passes the roadsign on the outskirts of Llewsor, and in slow motion his silver craft reflects ‘roswelL’(the sight of the first alien crash in New Mexico) before rolling down a hill and coming to rest, wedged at the entrance to a disused mine shaft. Surrounded by cow noises coming from various directions, Paul peeps out of his spaceship. The horizon, on a tilt, lies before him. “Oh shit! Not again!” The spaceship’s exterior is completely knackered, and as he exits his craft, a phone begins to ring. It’s Vera, “Paul? Paul? Are you okay? OMG, OMG, OMG, Paul!-” “Vera, VERA! I’m fine!” he slumps to the floor rolling his eyes at his exasperated wife. “Chill out Vera, I’m okay, it’s just a slight scratch.” “You might be okay, but the grid is not, you’ve knocked the whole thing out!” Vera replies. “Well they shouldn’t put giant windmills in my path, should they?” Paul retorts. “Look, we need you here, the system is going down, you have to find a way. You have to get to Rosslyn as soon as you can,” says Vera. “How? I have no spaceship, and I think I hit a post box on my way-“ “Just find one! I’ll do what I can from my end. I’ll see you there.” And she was gone.
Vera is sat behind an old desk, with an electronic flipchart by her side. On this flipchart sits a map of the United Kingdom on which six crowns flash periodically. Ornate illustrations cover the walls, and amongst them a photograph of her and Paul hangs proudly. She sighs and then picks up the phone and frantically presses buttons. The phone rings and then a voice picks up, “Hello Vera?” the voice says. “Good evening Your Majesty. I’m sorry to bother you, but it’s an emergency. The Ring of Crowns has illuminated! You know what this means Ma’am, the system is failing.” Vera states. “I know exactly what this means Vera, fetch me the Royal Slippers!” she is heard to say.
Paul gets up from the cold wet ground and hops back into his craft. He fires it up, and after some spluttering the ship comes to life, albeit gurgling and sparking. He presses a sequence of buttons and muttering “come on, come on, come onnnn….” he waits for a page to load on a screen in front of him. ‘Ebay’ flashes up before him, “YES!” he exclaims. He taps away on the buttons and “Bingo! I’ll have that you great… fat…. Tourist!” he begins to furiously bid on a post box, grumbling all sorts of expletives as soon as anyone threatens to outbid him. “HA! I TOLD YOU! FUCK YOU ALL, IT’S MINE! Okay, I also need some Reiss’s pieces…”
The next day, he’s awoken by the sound of an engine nearby. He grabs whatever form of disguise he has and throws it on, and heads out of the saucer in the direction of the noise. As he approaches the roadside he holds his breath and climbs underneath a manhole cover. Peeking out from under the cover of the manhole he sees a man sat in a large van smoking and waiting. Paul’s phone begins to ring, “Hello?” his voice echoing in the drain. “I’m here with your post box Sir.” A voice replies. “Great, thanks.” Paul responds before ending the call. He hops out from the manhole cover, dusts himself off and walks towards the van. As he approaches he sees a scruffy looking man, overweight, unshaven, hair like a bird’s nest and wearing a shirt that’s too tight for him with the buttons askew (imagine a fat Dylan Moran). “Where do you wannit?” the guy asks. “Err… anywhere over there is just fine, thanks” Paul replies lighting a cigarette. As a part of his disguise he’s wearing gloves, and he doesn’t notice but the cigarette begins to set his glove alight. The man’s back is turned as he’s getting the post box out of his van. “Shit, fuck, fuck fuck man!” Paul says dancing about and blowing the small fire out, “what?” the man asks. “Oh, nothing, nothing, as you were.” Paul says. The man dumps the post box down as he can’t possibly carry it. “Enjoy it Mister!” he says climbing back into his van, before Paul could even reply the man is gone. “Great.” Paul says, sarcastically. “Right, well, you better work, that’s all I’m saying!” he jumps into the post box, plugs in a gismo, hits the lid and he’s away.
Meanwhile, Graeme and Clive have returned from Arizona after their two year book signing adventure. They have been asked to open a part of their old classroom where they first met which has been refurbished as part of the beginning of a full school refurbishment. As they stand there staring into nothing they begin to reminisce about their first teacher Miss Adventure and how she was their first experience of a ‘proper woman’. A figure walks towards them looking identical to their vision. “Hi there boys, I hope you are behaving yourself these days,” says the voice and as they bring their eyes to focus, standing in front of them is a beautiful Goth like siren of a woman. She’s chic, slim, with long black hair and an alien tattoo (looking like Paul) on her arm.
“I said hello,” she repeats. Graeme and Clive stand there with quivering lips, and, struggling to bring a noise to their mouths say “Mmmmmmisss, miss, mm miss ………..” and their chins drop. Miss Adventure (Megan Fox) lifts both her red nail polished hands and closes their mouths “Hi boys, glad you could make it, anyway, I said I hope you are behaving yourself these days?” “But Miss…….. you, you look great, you haven’t changed a bit,” exclaims Graeme “we were just thinking about you!” “Ah Vera, my name is Vera,” you are mistaking me for my mother!” “Yes, yyyes, yesss that’s it yes, that must be it” they both reply nervously. “So where is she now?” Graeme asks, “yes where is she?” Clive cuts in. Vera then points to the sky and says “She’s up there somewhere looking down.” “Oh I’m sorry” Graeme says and they both look at their feet.
“Anyway,” Vera says, as a tall, slender, timid-looking young woman comes to join her, “let me introduce my sister, Ylo (Yello) Destiny (Gwyneth Paltrow). Ylo, this is Clive, and Graeme.” Vera states. “It’s lovely to meet you both, I heard you two made quite an impression in Nevada, that’s so cooool. I’m so glad you could make it here today to help us with the ‘Grand Opening’.” Ylo says, “Hello Yello, n-n-no problem,” stammers Clive in awe of the quiet girl who stands before him. “It was our first class where we met, and we’ve stayed best friend since,” he adds. “People might think you two are you know” winks Vera. “No, no, no, definitely nothing like that!” they both exclaim as they quickly shake their heads and hands. They turn away from Vera and whisper to each other “Why is it everyone thinks that?” asks Clive. “I don’t know,” answers Graeme turning back looking uncomfortable!
“Hey, if you two are such great friends and ‘real men’, you should come to my parlour ‘Vera’s Tattoos’ later and get a tattoo of each other! I’d love to get you in my chair,” Vera suggests. She runs her painted finger nails into her blouse and flicks out two business cards. “Hope I will see you two boys later,” blowing them a small kiss, “bye,” says Ylo with a shy smile, as they both walk away, “A piece of cake!” Vera mutters to herself.
Unnoticed, Graeme’s phone has been vibrating in his pocket, he fumbles to get it out due to his tight jeans. “Who is it, who is it?” shouts Clive. “I don’t know, it’s gone to answer phone,” says Graeme. As he redials for voicemail they both realise there’s a large crowd of people watching them and congratulating them on opening the classroom. They make a small speech about how they grew up there and how everyone should look after and cherish what they’ve got. But all the while they’re just watching Vera and Ylo as they saunter out of the school gates.
“Okay we gotta go, we gotta go,” they shout as they wave rushing off the stage to follow Vera. However, they are forced back by the crowds wanting autographs and photographs. As they finally resign to the crowd they sit down and sign everything put in front of them. Finally a sweet, little old woman starts to wipe the tables as everybody trudges away.
“Are you two married then?“ Exclaims the old woman, “it’s just that you make such a lovely couple!” “No! We just live together, no, no, not like tha- oh what’s point? OK yes, we’re married,” Clive says. “That’s a shame ‘cause those girls you were talking to are single and seemed very interested…” Graeme shouts “VERA!” and at the same time Clive shouts “YLO!” as they both turn and look at each other and search profusely about their person for the business cards Vera gave them. Unfortunately they can’t find them; they have been lost amongst all the rubbish at the event. They rush around all over the place kicking up the rubbish looking for the cards. “I knew it, I knew it! It’s just my bloody luck isn’t it? For the first time in my whole life a girl finds me remotely interesting and I lose the fucking number don’t I!” shouts Clive, “I know,” says Graeme “I’ll Google her parlour on my phone, ‘Vera’s Tattoos’” but as he’s looking a text comes up on his phone to say he has missed a call and he has a message. At that the little old cleaner squeaks “Vera’s Tattoo Parlour? It’s on the high street. I used to work in the Post Office next door. I hope you two are going to help me clean you before you go,” Unfortunately her words fall on deaf ears as the both make a hasty exit. “Filthy bastards’ the old woman says as she flicks her middle finger.
They leave the school and head towards the high street. Wandering down the road they talk about the different things they did with different girls as they pass landmarks on the way. “See that shop doorway? Elizabeth Turner.” “No way!”
“See that bus stop? Nicola San Gel.” “Really I heard she got picked up by the fuzz? “I’ll bet that hurt” Andrea Mulholland? I thought she liked girls?” ‘Yeah she does now!’
“See that flat above the shop? Ah no, forget it, never mind!” “But that’s where my mum lived– you didn’t??” “No forget it I made a mistake!” “What, you made a mistake with my mum you fucker??” “No, no, I didn’t, forget it!”
Eventually they come across ‘Vera’s Parlour’ and make their way towards the window. Paraphernalia is strewn everywhere and through the window they see Vera and her assistant both working on people’s tattoos. There is blood dripping from their work. Feeling queasy, neither wants to admit they’re scared of needles. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Clive asks. Not wanting to seem a coward, Graeme says “Of course, we’re best mates aren’t we?” Clive nods unsurely, “Maybe we should have a quick pint in that pub first (points to a pub, the ‘Crown and Cushion’ across the road) to numb the pain a little,” suggests Graeme. “That’s an idea,” says Clive.
As they run across to the pub they knock into a post box on the corner, which they notice illuminates at the rim just for a second and goes out. They wrap their arms around each other’s shoulders and make for the door of the pub. (On the window next to the entrance is a poster advertising “‘HOT FUZZ’ playing at the Secret Policeman’s Ball! Contact 777-8080”).
“What can I get for you lovely pair?” Says the barman in a camp voice. “Oh we’re not a couple,” They both reply, swiftly removing their arms and straightening their shirts. “You can’t fool me boys,” replies the barman, “I’ve seen it before, just look at those two over there!” Two large butch bikers turn round and stare at them holding hands and say “Alright girls, not leaving are we??”
“I didn’t realise this was a gay bar,” whispers Clive nervously, “Me neither” replies Graeme, “but we can’t go now!” “Two Strongbow Barman, if you please,” says Clive in an even deeper voice. “Will that be half pints or manly pints for you two?” asks the barman. “Pints, pints, definitely pints,” says Clive, “oh and a whisky chaser?” Graeme cuts in.
They are joined by the two bikers, who put their hands on their shoulders forcing them to sit down. They spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub exchanging stories and jokes whilst getting drunker and drunker. In the background the TV is showing news coverage of the Rosslyn Pipe Band receiving an award at ‘The Last night of the Proms’ at The Royal Albert Hall and talking about how they will be going home in the notorious Flying Scotsman steam train.
It gets to the point where the barman won’t serve them anymore as they are falling about the place. They both begin to stagger out of the pub, the bikers grab both their shoulders and flings them towards ‘Vera’s Parlour’. They slam into the window and stand peering at Vera’s assistant. Maurice, her assistant entices Graeme and Clive in by opening the door and curling his finger, as the bikers help push them through the door. The bikers turn away from the parlour giving a wink to Maurice before reaching into an inside jacket pocket, pulling out a radio and saying, “Mission accomplished Vera.”
Vera stands on the pavement outside the entrance to The Royal Albert Hall, ready for ‘The Last Night of the Proms’. Ylo, about to jump in a taxi, stands with her, “Remember, your seat is Block P, Row A, Seat U1. When the pipers play just look for the lights, I saw them earlier,” Ylo says, Vera nods. “I have to go, but I know you’ll work it out. I’ll call you when I get to Scotland,” Ylo quickly hugs her sister and disappears into the cab.
Back at ‘Vera’s Tattoo Parlour’….
“Best mates, we -hic- are.” “Yeah, best mates,” “Vera said come for tattoo yes w, w, we wuuunt a tattoooooo – mates we is,” “tattoos, mates, friends, us, we –hic- on us.”
Trying to focus on their surroundings, they see a drawing of Paul pinned to the wall and point to it as they try and stay standing. “Friend, best mate –hic- friend, friend, he’s our mate tattoo!” Maurice comes back, “Vera’s not here right now but I can do your tattoo of your friend for you. Where would you like it?” he says in a camp voice. The combination of too much alcohol and the impending torture of a tattoo sends them falling forwards, unconscious, landing with their butts in the air. “OK well if you insist!” says Maurice and starts to work on their butts. Maurice is working away, when Vera comes back in, “I’ve got it! Let me take over,” she says to Maurice, and she finishes the tattoos.
The following morning Graeme and Clive find themselves awake outside the pub. A dog is pissing on Clive’s leg before turning round to lick Graeme’s face. Graeme imagines the stunning Vera and her slow tongue filled kisses on her mouth as he suddenly snaps awake with the buzz of his phone in his pocket. “Oh nooooo!” they shout as they jump to attention! “WTF did we get up to last night?” Graeme asks, “I think we got probed…” Clive replies. They both grab their butts and look towards the ‘Crown and Cushion’. They both have a blurry flashback of the gay bartender and two bikers man handling them out of the door and immediately shiver and change the conversation and let go of their butts.
Graeme finally listens to the message with Clive listening too, which says – “Hey guys, I hope you haven’t forgotten about the wedding tomorrow at 4. I sent you the invitation a long time ago. I’m sure you won’t let me down, you’re my best mates! Hope you’ve got your kilts ready, see you at Rosslyn Chapel!’’
“Shit, shit, the wedding! Benny and Una’s (Chris Martin and Kelly Macdonald) wedding! We totally forgot!” Graeme exclaims. “What are we going to do? We can’t let him down, he’ll never forgive us!” Graeme frantically redials Benny’s number and waits anxiously. “The number you are calling is unavailable, please leave a message after the tone,” the automated voice seems to sneer. “Hi Benny, it’s Graeme. Sorry I missed your call, but just ringing to say we’ll definitely be there, you know us!” he says as Clive interrupts, “What about a fucking present?” Clive shouts, as Graeme covers the mouthpiece. Graeme looks frantically and blurts, “Oh, and remember Benny, what’s ours is yours buddy! Bye!” Graeme snaps his phone shut. “That’ll give us some thinking time,” he nods to Clive.
Clive says. “Come on we can get the first train up there, let’s go and buy some tickets and we’ll just get changed on the way. There’s a Moss Bros around the corner.” “You grab the tickets, I’ll grab the kilts and I’ll meet you at the station!”
Clive and Graeme run off in separate directions. Clive arrives outside Moss Bross only to discover it’s closed, he starts banging on the door and shouting “Open up! Please open up!” through the letterbox. His eyes pan over to the opening times, ‘Opens 9am to 5.30pm Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5.00pm Saturday’. He looks down to his watch, to see it’s 1am! Clive turns his back to the door and raising his hands to his head he begins to slump to the floor, “No, no, no… I don’t believe it!” he reaches the ground, “Ow! Shit, ow, ow!” he yelps. He jumps back to his feet, giving a little dance and grabbing his butt, and sets off to find Graeme at the station, tripping over some milk bottles on the way.
Graeme runs towards the station, passing a supermarket on the way (filmed in slow motion to the tune of Chariots of Fire), when he hears a chav on a street corner shout “Run fat boy, run!” followed by laughter. He reaches the station and heads towards the ticket office. The opening hours notice cloud his vision, ‘Open 6am – 10pm’. He bangs his fist on the glass in the hope that someone will answer. But no such luck. He turns around and in the distance sees Clive stumbling towards him. Exhausted, sweaty, out of breath and suffering from an awful hang over, not to mention his sore bottom, Clive finally reaches Graeme. “Where’s the clothes?” asks Graeme. Clive is bent over and trying to catch his breath and nearly throwing up, he groans “It’s closed, it’s bloody closed” Graeme tries to steady him until he catches his breath. “What the hell are we going to do now?” growls Graeme, “Damn, damn, DAAAAMMMNN!” he shouts shaking his fist in the air. Just for a second all the people in the station stop and look at them.
Then he sees in front of him what he believes to be a miracle. He stares a little harder and focuses on the ‘Flying Scotsman’ all stoked up and raring to go. The porter is loading the last of the Scots Pipe band and their kit onto the train, and a rather drunken version of ‘Flower of Scotland’ can be heard filtering through the empty station from the carriages.
“Clive, Clive! Look! Can you believe it?” Graeme grabs Clive’s face and points it towards the train. “Wahey!” Clive replies, “We’re saved! You absolute beauty!” They run towards the train as it begins to pull away. “What about the kilts?” Clive wheezes as they sprint to the train. “Don’t worry, I’ve got an idea!” gasps Graeme as they leap into the last door of the First Class carriage.
They dive into the last compartment without anyone noticing and end up landing on top of one another. “OW! Shit, ow!” Graeme shouts as he jumps back up. “Oi what did you do last night?’ asks Clive, “were you with that fairy from the pub, eh?” he winks. “No!” retorts Graeme, disgusted. “What about you? Were you?” defends Graeme, “You keep holding your butt too!” They both let go of their butts and slowly and awkwardly sit down across from each other as the carriage fills with an awkward silence.
“So…” says Clive. “So?” questions Graeme. “What’s this great plan of yours then?” asks Clive. “Don’t you see? This is a Scottish train full of Scottish Pipe band folk going to Scotland!” states Graeme. “Yeah…. pipers, what’s so good about them?” “Oh my w– THEY HAVE KILTS CLIVE!” “Kilts, yes kilts, of course. How are we going to get them then?” asks Clive. “I dunno I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, but at least we are heading to Scotland.” They lean back slowly and nervously to catch their breaths.
The noise of a helicopter can be heard whirring outside, but Clive and Graeme think nothing of it. “Shame we couldn’t make ourselves invisible like Paul,” Clive says, “We could just slip up the passage undetected!” “That gives me an idea,” replies Graeme as he looks out of the compartment at the store cupboard. He sidles up to it and peeks inside where he comes across some ‘Trolly Dolly’ uniforms and a tandem. “Quick put these on and we can sneak up the front and nick a couple of uniforms!” they both, put the uniforms over their clothes. Clive dressed as a maid, and Graeme in the trolley (kneeling position), they try to sneak down the passage.
Halfway down the carriage, a huge Scotsman dressed in a kilt steps out just behind them, grabs Clive’s butt (who yelps What The Fuck) and says, “Aw right Darlin’, fancy a kiss?” Clive tries not to turn around so as not to be recognised, but another Scotsman comes out of the other door and approaches from the other side. He walks right up to the trolley to the point that he is inches away from Graeme’s face. He lifts his leg and lets out a big fart then puts his hand down the front of his kilt for a scratch, Graeme has to turn his face in disgust! “Whit hiv we goat here?” the other Scotsman splurts out, “Fancy a wee highlan fling?” the Scotsman winks, “Waaait a minit you’re wan hell ov a ungly luckin’ woman!” and pulls off Clive’s little hat. “Whit’s goin on here?” the other Scotsman shouts out. Graeme climbs out from the bottom of the trolley. “I think we got a couple of faggots on board, and WTF were you dain in there?” “I think we’ve got a couple of stowaways lads, let’s chuck em aff the train!”
“No, no, no, please don’t” they both stammer, “We’ve got to get to Scotland for a wedding tomorrow.” Graeme says. “Ah weddin’? Well why didn’t ye say so, c’mon sit dooon, hey a wee dram!” pipes up the other Scotsman. Graeme and Clive squeeze between a pile of large kilted Scotsmen all drinking whisky and get a bottle each thrust into their hands. One Scotsman grabs Graeme and puts him in a headlock, rubbing his knuckles on his head, “Drink up laddies, ye got a long way to go …….Slange!” he laughs.
“So where ye headed?” asks another Scot. “Rosslyn Chapel, do you know it?” replies Graeme. “Aye of course we day! That’s roughly where wi comfy, there some strange things go aff up at that Chapel. Aliens and things have been seen there ye know! You two better be careful you don’t want tay get probed! Especially if yer getting married, don’t want tay spoil yer honeymoon- eh eh!” one Scot warns. “No, you don’t understand, we’re not getting married we’re going to our best friend’s wedding,” says Clive. “Aye whatever ye say laddie, whatever, you, say,” says the first Scotsman giving them a wink.
“Hey guys you couldn’t do us a big favour and lend us- I mean hire us a couple of your kilts,” begs Graeme, “Just that we need them for the wedding and we couldn’t get to the shop on time.” “Aye nay bother a taw wee man but ye’ll need tay geeuz your clays in exchange, cause I don’t huv anymore wi me. Away you both go in there and git yer clays aff and we’ll go in here and day the same,” replies the Scotsman.
Clive, Graeme and two of the Scotsman head into the toilets to exchange clothes. They get changed and Clive and Graeme admire themselves in their kilts in the mirror. They exit the toilets and make their way back down the carriage. Clive and Graeme sit amongst other Scotsmen and the two kilts-men now wearing Clive and Graeme’s clothes sit down further down the carriage.
The helicopter flies above and alongside the train notices the two men fitting Clive and Graeme’s description (it’s really the Scotsmen wearing their clothes) and begins to attack out of nowhere. A couple of alien minions drop from the helicopter, one of which falls into the funnel of the Flying Scotsman. This causes a pressure build up and shoots the alien minion back up to the helicopter. It flies above the train, swerving from left to right, firing bullets. “WTF WAS THAT?!” Clive shouts. Sparks fly, and everyone on the train cowers under seats and tables as they head into a long tunnel, scraping off the other alien minions as it goes
From nowhere, the sky lights up with hundreds of small spaceships, congregating around the helicopter they fire towards it sending it off course. The helicopter comes back and continues to shoot at the train. The spaceships rally round again and fire at the helicopter, damaged, it is forced to try and fly away. It crashes further up the track in the direction that the ‘Flying Scotsman’ is travelling in. The small scout ships then fly away.
The Flying Scotsman emerges from a tunnel, as the passengers on the train come out from under their seats, but the train soon screeches to a halt. The helicopter crashing on the track ahead has forced an emergency stop. An announcement comes from the driver asking everyone to stay calm and to remain in their seats until it is safe to exit. “But we have to get to Rosslyn! This is a nightmare.” remarks Graeme. “We have to leave,” says Clive. “I know, follow me.” comments Graeme. The majority of the Scotsmen have passed out, through a combination of fear and a whole lot of whisky. Clive and Graeme pick their way through the flailed bodies of the pipers and make for the carriage exit. “The tandem! There was one in the store cupboard! Did you see it? Come on!” says Graeme. They reach the door to the store cupboard and check in either direction. They dive in and in the darkness find the tandem. In removing it they knock a whole lot of tins over making a clattering noise. “How are we going to make this look in any way subtle?” asks Clive. “Just trust me,” replies Graeme. Graeme pokes his head round the door and checks in both directions. A train conductor is coming so he ducks back into the store cupboard. They hear his footsteps pass and then sneak back out again. Quietly they wheel the tandem out of the store cupboard and opening the door they make their way out onto the tracks.
It’s cold and just beginning to get light as they lift the tandem onto the track next to the train. They begin to cycle along the track; Graeme at the front and Clive behind. Dressed in kilts they soon realise that cycling along a train track is not the most comfortable experience especially with sore butts! “Are we nearly there yet?” asks Clive. “We’ve been cycling five minutes Clive,” replies Graeme, “we’re in the middle of nowhere.” As they continue on their journey the track forks in different directions. A forgotten scarecrow is manning the post and pointing in both directions. “Well that’s really helpful!” Graeme says. “Left or right, Clive?” he asks. “Right!” Clive says at the last minute. They bring the tandem round and carry on. After a while they come to a small hamlet with a Post Office, a pub, and a green grocer, just as it’s beginning to rain.
“Graeme, it’s raining and I don’t know about you, but my arse kills!” remarks Clive, “we have to stop.” “I know, we’ll stop here.” They dismount the tandem and leave it outside the Post Office. “We’ll see if it’s open, they never lock anything up here.” They sneak into the Post Office ringing the bell above the door by accident as it opens.
“I need to sit down,” says Graeme and slumps to the floor. “OW! Okay, seriously, what is on my backside?!” Graeme shouts. “Ssssssh!” whispers Clive pointing towards the ceiling. “Well, will you please have a look?” asks Graeme. “No!” replies Clive looking awkward. “Fine, well I’ll look at what’s on yours then-” says Graeme. “Oh no you don’t!” snaps Clive. They turn around and see an old photocopier in the corner. “Aha!” exclaims Graeme, “Bingo! Right, on you get,” “Erm, why?” asks Clive. “Because, I want to photocopy your arse!” Clive looks at him shocked and confused. Graeme sighs, “Look, if we take a copy then we can see what’s on there.” “Why don’t you sit on the copier?” asks Clive. “Because….” “Because what?” asks Clive. “Because it was my idea, now please just do it?” replies Graeme. “Fine.” Retorts Clive. He lifts the lid on the copier and parks himself; lifting his kilt a little the cold glass underneath him gives him a shock. “Shit, I don’t have any change it’s asking for 25p, there’s just a £2 coin in this sporran,” comments Graeme. Clive checks his sporran and there’s nothing in it. “I’ve got to open the till, I have to buy something.” Graeme looks around the Post Office. He comes across a lottery machine. “Right, I’ll have a ticket, that’s £1 anyway, and a first class stamp and an envelope. That should do it,” says Graeme. The till opens and Graeme gets his change. “Here you go,” says Graeme, handing Clive 25p, “Now get on with it,” says Graeme. Meanwhile, Graeme begins to write on the envelope he’s just purchased. The copier warms up and begins to whir into action, and then it stops, the paper jams and it crunches and beeps, Clive jumps off it.
Upstairs, Scarlett Prentice (Scarlett Johansson) is, or more to the point, was, sleeping soundly. Her eyes snap awake and two grey feet fling themselves out of bed. As they enter pink fluffy slippers they take human form. “Who’s there?” says Scarlett as she makes her way out of the bedroom.
Clive and Graeme hear a floorboard creak upstairs, “We have to leave, now!” says Graeme. They make for the door, “But what about the copy?” asks Clive, “Leave it, leave it!” says Graeme. The bell rings above the door as they exit the Post Office. Jumping round the corner to where their tandem is still parked, Graeme removes the lottery ticket from his sporran. He puts it in the envelope and sticks the stamp on it. Clive looks confused, “What are you doing?” he asks. “Posting my lottery ticket to myself… well I don’t want to lose it now, do I?” Graeme replies.
Graeme posts the envelope and as soon as he takes his hand away from the opening, he notices the time slides on the post box slide across and the interior of the post box light up. Clive and Graeme jump back in surprise as the door opens and out steps Paul!
“Well if it isn’t my two favorite nerds!” Paul steps out leans against the post box, acting nonchalant and casual. “You just can’t keep away can you? You must just love me so-” “What the fuck are you doing here?” Clive asks in disbelief. “Hey, aren’t you pleased to see me?” Paul asks. “But… you came out of a post box?” Graeme remarks. “I know, why so surprised?” Paul asks. “Maybe because it’s a post box?” Graeme asks. “Look, I’ll tell you later, but we need to get out of here!” Paul says. Scarlett appears at the doorway to the Post Office, “Quick, get in here!” Paul motions towards the post box, “You do NOT want to be getting involved with her.” They quickly realise there’s no way they’ll all fit in the post box, “make for the tandem, come on!” Clive says. Graeme grabs Paul and puts him in the basket at the front of the tandem, before jumping on the saddle and they ride away. Riding down an old country track, Paul is uncomfortable in the basket, loud noises sound from a set of bagpipes underneath Paul every time they go over a bump and it’s vaguely recognizable as the ET tune. At one point, a bump lifts the tandem off the ground just for a split second, “Up yours Spielberg!” (shown in slow motion briefly) Paul exclaims to himself sticking his middle finger in the air.
Meanwhile back at the Post Office, Scarlett grabs hold of the print out from the photocopier and holds it up between her hands. There, on the paper, is a print of Clive’s butt complete with a tattoo, she laughs to herself and folds the paper into her pocket and jumps on to a bicycle she finds outside.
It’s the early morning and Clive, Graeme and Paul are on their way to Rosslyn, still travelling by tandem, they have no clothes, no suitcase and no money. “Man, I could murder something to eat!” Paul moans, “yeah, quite literally in your case,” Clive remarks. “Ha-ha, very funny. Seriously, can we stop guys, my arse kills; bagpipes are not comfortable.” Paul says. “You’re not the one doing all the hard work!” Clive replies. “We’ll stop in a minute!” Graeme says.
Off the road, in a clearing in a wood, the three of them are sat around a glowing campfire. “So are you going to tell us why you were hiding in a post box?” Clive asks. “I wasn’t hiding, I was…” Paul pauses, “Okay, 150 years ago, my ancestors crashed in the back garden of a guy called William Black. Unfortunately in the process they killed his sister who was putting out the washing – Penelope. Anyway, Wills had a big commission on; to design the next post box, and it was due in the next day. He was devastated and Liam Layor – my grandfather came out of the ship and tried to revive Penny. Unfortunately her injuries were too great and she passed away. John brought out his daughter from the ship ‘Ylo’ (at the mention of Ylo, Clive and Graeme look at each other) and she transferred all Penny’s memories and thoughts and became a ‘replacement’ for William’s sister. Not only did the spaceship crashing kill Penny, but it also landed on William’s prototype post box design. So he was doubly devastated. My grandfather brought the other six aliens he had on board off the ship and shrank the craft down and placed it on top of Will’s post box design. They used up the rest of the craft by duplicating it over and over again to finish William’s designs. On one condition, that this would grant my ancestors the freedom to transport themselves around the country via his post boxes. Wills was happy, and he had ‘Penny’ virtually back. Ylo wanted to keep her name and so she changed it to ‘Penelope Blaylock’. Black? Ylo? Blaylock? Clever, eh? William worked under the pseudonym of ‘Blaylock’, everyone loved his post boxes and Penny became the first postmistress. And they all lived happily ever after, blah, blah, blah. Happy?” Paul finishes. “Yeah.” Clive replies in almost disbelief. “Good, now I need to go and water my peace lily, excuse me boys.” Paul gets up and walks towards a large tree.
Graeme’s phone begins to ring again, and the ‘Highland Fling’ can be heard ringing throughout the forest. Graeme fumbles to answer it, “Hello? Hello?” he stutters. The signal is poor and he moves around to see if it improves. “Hello?” he repeats. At the same time, Paul has discovered thistles and what they’re capable of. He’s dancing around on top of them trying to make his way to the tree (he appears to be dancing the ‘Highland Fling’). Finally Graeme finds signal, “Graeme! Where are you man?” it’s Benny – the groom. “Erm, we’re not quite sure-” stammers Graeme. “I think we’re a few miles away from Rosslyn Benny!” “Oh that’s great, well I’ll meet you in a short while, you’ll pass the highland games on your way, meet me there. See you later!” and Benny was gone. Graeme puts his phone back into his sporran. Paul jumps up from the undergrowth behind them, “Hey guys! I think I’ve killed a haggis!” a grey squirrel is dangling by its tail from Paul’s clenched fist. It wriggles and he snaffles it in one, leaving the tail poking out from the side of his mouth for just a second before slurping the rest in like a long piece of spaghetti and it is gone.
They continue along the road, their bums numb from the journey. Eventually they come upon a small village, and in a huge field a crowd is gathered. Pipers are playing, and dancers are dancing. Clive and Graeme park the tandem and stare at the scene before them. They can see a vast array of kilts, colourful tents and flags are waving.”It’s Brigadoon” laughs Paul. “Clive! Graeme!” Benny emerges from the crowd in front, “It’s so good to see you!” he gives them both a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here, see, we’ve got to shift this piano.” Benny reveals. At this, Paul, who is still hiding in the basket, becomes invisible and jumps out, lifts the lid on the piano and hops inside.
“Er, Benny, I don’t suppose you could lend us a couple of quid for a sandwich? Just that we’re starving,” asks Graeme. “Don’t you guys have any money?” retorts Benny looking puzzled. “No,” snaps Clive. “Graeme cleverly decided to spend his last two pounds on a lottery ticket at the local post office after we’d discovered we’d left our wallets on the train.” Clive says, very unimpressed. “Oh, well maybe later, come on, give us a hand!” Benny shouts, and they begin to shift the piano into a nearby lorry. “Perfect. Okay, start her up then Graeme.” Graeme turns the ignition, but the engine merely splutters and then conks out. He tries again, and this time, nothing at all. “It’s no use,” Graeme says as he jumps out the cab. “Shit, we’ll have to push it all the way to Rosslyn, let’s shift it,” Benny says, making his way to push the piano back out of the lorry.
The three of them begin to push the piano down the hill away from the games. However, the hill is a little steeper than they anticipated and the piano begins to run away from them, complete with Paul still inside! “No, no, no, ohhhh shiiiiiit!” the piano rolls all the way down the hill crashing into a wall at the bottom of the hill just by a cattle grid. The impact sends Paul flying out of the piano, hurtling through the air and then tumbling down onto a highland bull. At this, the bull begins to buck around all over the place, sending Paul jolting and jerking. He grabs the bull by the horns (quite literally) and tries to calm it down. After a minute or two the bull is quiet and still and Paul hops off. Clive and Graeme have caught up with the piano and are looking over the wall into the field where Paul landed. Benny is on the phone trying to sort out the mess. “How did you do that?” Clive asks. “Ah it’s easy. Years ago, we tried to grow hair, but we experimented on cows before ourselves and it turned out like this,” Paul reveals pointing to the cow next to him. “They love it in winter, in summer not so much, but we’re buddies.” He continues. Benny turns around and makes to catch up to Clive and Graeme, Paul clings onto the underside of the cow, trying to hide in all the hair. He has a drink, of what he thinks is milk, only to find out from Clive and Graeme’s expressions that he must be underneath a bull, not a cow! He looks at Clive and Graeme, “still quite nice!” he remarks “Don’t mock it until you’ve tried it six million women can’t be wrong!” winks Paul as Clive and Graeme wince. Paul hides again as Benny appears, “Right, we’ve got to go back, I’ve got another plan,” Benny blusters. The three of them head back up the hill, leaving Paul underneath the bull. He pokes one eye out and sees them disappear over the hill.
Meanwhile, Scarlett is on the trail of Clive and Graeme. Whilst on a bicycle, she morphs from an old lady wearing pink fluffy slippers and sporting rollers, to a young, slender woman with a shock of brilliant blonde hair. She cycles past the highland games and as she passes the tandem, still parked by the gateway to the games, she does a double take. Realising what it is, she turns around and parks her bike behind it and makes her way through the crowd.
Flirting her way through the pipers, she approaches a kilted man who looks similar to Graeme from behind and manages to coerce him into the toilets. He leads the way, and as she follows behind she takes one final check at the printed copy of Clive’s tattoo that she has kept in her pocket. Great screams are heard from the toilet then Scarlet emerges from the entrance as she continues to check out more pipers.
Benny, Clive and Graeme have arrived back at the games and are speaking to a bunch of pipers. “There’s been a bit of a disaster,” Benny says, “we were meant to have a pianist play at my wedding, but now we have no piano. So, currently, we have no music at all. I don’t suppose you guys would be up for coming along would you?” he asks tentatively as the burley Scotsmen gather round. “Aye, nae bother!” one responds after a few seconds silence. Benny, breathes a huge sigh of relief, “That’s brilliant, well shall we get going?” they make their way towards a bus that’s waiting outside the games. Clive and Graeme step onto the bus and it begins to rev up.
Back in the toilets, another babbling Scotsman exits and is seen to look terrified, closely followed by Scarlett who looks angry. Clearly she hadn’t found what she was looking for. As she returns to the main crowd she notices that all the pipers that had been there just minutes ago have gone. In the distance she sees a bus heading away from the games. “Where did everyone go?” she asks a young boy being served at the hot dog stand. “Eh, Rosslyn Chapel Miss, they’re headin’ tae a weddin’. Wid ye like a lick of my hot dof?” he laughs. Realising that all the bottoms she wants to check are on that coach she makes a getaway, but in the midst of the chaos she jumps on the tandem instead of her bicycle.
The bus drives away, over the hill and down the road; Paul watches it as it passes and sees Graeme and Clive singing away with Benny and the pipers. “Oh for fuck’s sake, you idiots!” Paul mumbles. He jumps up onto the cow’s back and begins to ride it like a horse following the route of the bus.
Scarlett on the tandem is finding cycling it on her own hard work so she ditches it by the roadside and begins to thumb for a lift. A two seater red Ferrari with ‘RAB 1’ on the number plate pulls over. The window rolls down and a small, overweight, scruffy man in a suit and a white string vest with matching head bandage begins to stammer, “Alright wee lassie? Howzit goan?” “I’m looking for Rosslyn Chapel, I don’t suppose you’re passing it are you ?” Scarlett winks. “Aye, as luck would have it I am. Hop in doll!” The scruffy man replies.
“Are you going tae the weddin’?” he asks Scarlett as she tries to sit as far away from him as possible. “Yes.” She replies sharply, avoiding eye contact. “I’m Rab C Nesbett,” (Greg Fisher) he smiles a crooked smile. “Hmm. Scarlett.” She responds. Rab goes for a handshake but Scarlett remains staring straight forward. Rab turns away and looks a bit disappointed. “Where are you fae?” he enquires, trying to make polite conversation. “London.” Scarlett replies. A little hurt that she didn’t return the question, Rab decides to fill the awkward silence with his life story. “I used tae live in Govan ye know. But I live in the West End noo. I am in the horse trade don’t ye know?” he says trying to impress her. “So you got lucky on a bet you mean?” Scarlett snaps. Rab looks upset, but he can’t deny it. In front they see a big white bus with a huge lion rampant on the back. Scarlett smiles knowingly to herself.
Paul, still on the back of this cow, clinging onto its horns to keep a grip is hurtling through the fields taking all the shortcuts to Rosslyn. Abruptly the cow comes to a halt just in front of an approaching wall, flinging Paul up into the air. Down below, two children are arguing over a balloon when one of them lets it go. Realising what’s just happened they run over to their parents crying. “Thanks kids,” Paul says to himself, as he grabs hold of the string and burps his way on to the roof of the chapel. “Great.” He murmurs. “Well, I guess I’d better blend in then.” He says, picking his way along the rows of gargoyles. He settles in the place of a broken one and pulls a face similar to that of the gargoyles surrounding him. Sucking the helium out of the balloon, Paul jokes “How are we doing lads?” looking to the gargoyles at either side. The cow, in its sudden stop, chose to relieve itself, just round the back of the chapel.
At that moment, the wedding car rolls up the driveway towards Rosslyn. Ylo, who is chief bridesmaid rushes out of the chapel and tells the bride, Una that Benny hasn’t arrived yet. She asks her to hide somewhere until he arrives, so Una runs round to the back of the chapel. In her haste she treads in the cow pat that Paul’s cow left behind. Paul, who’s looking down on this whole scene splutters “Shit happens,” and giggles to himself. A squirrel comes scampering along the roof and begins to sniff Paul’s head, “oh you’re asking for it buddy,” Paul whispers. The squirrel sniffs again, and Paul gobbles it up in one go. “I did warn you!” he says licking his lips.
Seconds later, the bus carrying Benny, Clive, Graeme and the pipers arrives, closely followed by Scarlett and her rescuer, Rab. Benny, Clive and Graeme quickly jump off the bus and begin to run up the hill towards the chapel. A rather tubby, disorganised and very grumpy priest comes out of the chapel towards them. “So who’s getting married? Where’s Benjamin?” he asks. Clive, Graeme and Benny look at each other bemused. “I think we must be at the wrong wedding.” Clive comments. “Benjamin and Ula? I’ve got a wedding at 4 o’ clock!” the priest snaps. Benny jumps in, “My name’s Benedict and my fiancée is Una.” “I don’t much care who you are, just get yourselves in the church, you’re late!” the priest says sharply.
Benny, Clive and Graeme enter the chapel and Ylo comes out to give Una the all clear. Una prepares to enter the church, smelling of cow pat and buzzing with flies. As she passes, the whole congregation begins to catch a whiff of the smell as does the priest, so he rushes the service. Paul has sneaked in through a window to watch proceedings. Rab is sat next to Scarlett and is rather pleased with himself, however, as he turns to look at her, Scarlett briefly morphs into ‘Mary Doll’ (Elaine C Smith) as Rab imagines his perfect woman. Only for a split second and then she is Scarlett again and to everyone else, she remains Scarlett. Freaking Rab out, he thinks he must just be missing his ‘Mary Doll’ back home.
The service quickly draws to a close as people are struggling to breathe due to the stench, Benny and Una make their way out of the chapel, followed by the congregation. The pipers are stood by the doorway, playing tuning up and ready to play. Paul is still hiding like a gargoyle inside the church, and as the pipers’ tune resonates through the almost empty chapel, he notices the decorative cubes flicker blue for a second. Scarlett is the last to leave the chapel and she too notices this phenomenon. Paul realises these cubes have to be a part of the system; they must be the second part of the code.
Paul climbs down from the ceiling and makes his way out of the chapel, turning invisible as he reaches the doorway. He’s now desperate to find the rest of the code which he knows is tattooed somewhere concealed on Clive and Graeme. Benny, Una, Clive and Graeme are posing for the wedding photographer outside, and just as Paul reaches them and is about to lift Clive’s kilt, they make their way across the field and towards the reception.
Clive and Graeme enter an old fashioned dining room, decorated with white ribbons and flowers. The lights are soft and it’s a beautifully romantic setting. Paul catches up with them, dressed in a small kilt and a ‘C U Jimmy’ hat, “Hey guys! Check me out!” he says excitedly. “You look hilarious,” Clive laughs, as he and Graeme take their seats at the top table. “Excuse me boys, I think you (pointing to Graeme) are in my seat!” says the Best Man (John Barrowman) who muscles his way in to sit between them. Paul becomes invisible as the Best Man takes his seat.
Scarlett is sat next to Rab, she continues to show no interest in him whatsoever and makes moves to get away, however Rab will not be dissuaded. He takes another dram of whisky and while he’s at it, slips a bit into Scarlett’s drink hoping to get her drunk, as she morphs into ‘Mary Doll’ once again for a split second. As he gets spooked by this, Scarlett encourages him to drink more.
It’s time for the speeches, and after each one, everyone stands to toast the Bride and Groom. Paul is desperate to find the codes and so every time Graeme and Clive stand, Paul goes to lift their kilts to try and see the tattoo. Clive and Graeme think it’s the Best Man who is trying to lift their kilts and look uncomfortably around them. Paul fails to see the codes in time and Clive and Graeme end up sitting back down on his hands.
Fed up with his failed attempts at finding the codes, Paul turns himself invisible and sneaks out of the room. He finds a table in the deserted entrance hall and slumps down underneath it. From his mini sporran he pulls out a fag and a lighter and begins to smoke. “That’s what I’m talking about,” he says as he draws on his cigarette, smoke momentarily rising from under the table cloth.
On a table across the room, Ylo catches Clive’s attention. Nervous giggling and sheepish looks are exchanged. Clive can’t believe his luck, “Graeme,” Clive says, nudging him with the back of his hand. “Graeme,” he repeats, without breaking Ylo’s gaze. “Graeme!” Clive nudges him sending his drink flying into the air.
Meanwhile Rab continues to drink and keeps slipping more alcohol into Scarlett’s drink. As she becomes more inebriated she can’t control her morphs into ‘Mary Doll’. Rab is drunk beyond belief and lunges toward Scarlett with his arms open wide. Scarlett quickly ducks and moves away, leaving Rab to fall flat on his face into her plate of food, sending it flying across the table. A food fight ensues throughout the room. Blissfully unaware of the mayhem around them, Clive and Ylo walk towards each other, locked in each other’s gaze. A canapé flies through the air, landing in Ylo’s cleavage, Clive, trying to be the gentleman stammers and offers to wipe it away. However, to his embarrassment he is transfixed by Ylo’s chest in front of him. “Excuse me,” Ylo sheepishly says, “I’ll be back in a minute,” she says pressing her fingers to Clive’s lips.
Clive sighs, and as Ylo disappears out of sight, he breaks free from his lovesick trance. Now alert to what is going on around him he can’t believe the mayhem. He takes cover underneath the table and waits for things to calm down. From across the room Scarlett has watched this whole scene in front of her. Without anyone noticing she morphs into Ylo and heads over to join Clive under the table in the hope of looking underneath his kilt.
To escape the chaos, Benny and Una take cover in the bar in the next room. There’s not a soul in there, except the barman leaning at the further end of the bar. “Back in a minute darling,” Una says, Benny sits alone, exhausted from the day he’s had. The sound of a television breaks the silence. “And finally, the winner of tonight’s lottery draw has not yet come forward to claim their prize of £6,542,760! The ticket was believed to have been purchased at this Post Office in Macbiehill in West Linton, a CCTV picture has been released of the suspected winners.” A fuzzy picture of two men in kilts exiting the Post Office was displayed. Benny looks at the screen in confusion, recognizing the figures in the blurry picture. “’What’s ours is yours’, eh? We’ll see about that then fellas.” Benny mutters under his breath.
The table cloth lifts, “Hey handsome! Sorry I took so long,” Scarlett says in a seductive voice, “Did you miss me?” she teases. Clive nods, as she takes his finger and removes a piece of whipped cream that has landed by her mouth. As he wipes away the cream, she takes his finger and puts it in her mouth, before licking the cream off. Clive is shocked and at a loss as to what to do next. “Come with me,” Scarlett says, taking his hand, “I’ve got something to show you.” They make their way outside, Clive turns back to give Graeme, who is avoiding flying food, the thumbs up.
The air is fresh outside and there’s a breeze, as Scarlett leads Clive over to some stocks in the grounds of the hotel. Playfully pulling his tie she pulls his head down to rest on the plinth and giggles as Clive is putty in her hands. As she lowers the top half of the stocks, Ylo appears by the door. “Get your paws off him, bitch!” She shouts. Clive, surprised that such venom could come from a woman who had appeared so innocent, is confused as he sees two Ylos in front of him.
“What are you going to do?” Scarlett asks Ylo. At that moment, from nowhere a high kick from Ylo crosses Scarlett, forcing her to morph back from pretending to be Ylo into Scarlett. The two women wrestle and swift punches and fast high kicks fly between the two at an enormous rate. At the sight of this, Clive’s jaw drops in amazement at the thought of two women fighting over him. “Get your head out of there!” Ylo screams at Clive, “She wants to see your arse!” she snaps. “What’s wrong with that, I’m getting quite used to this!” Clive replies. He removes himself from the stocks, dusts himself down and begins to imitate the actions of Ylo as she continues to fight with Scarlett.
“Mary Doll! In the name of the wee man! Whit the, whit the ffff!” Rab shouts as he comes running out to see what’s going on. He’s quickly joined by Graeme and Paul – both covered in food. Paul with his ‘CU Jimmy’ hat pulled down as far as it will go, looks up at Rab. “Alright sonny, howzit goan?” Rab asks ruffling Paul’s cap. At a loss for what to say in reply, Paul panics, “Och aye the noo!” it’s a terrible attempt at a Scottish accent, but the drunken Rab doesn’t even notice and collapses to the ground. Without even noticing, Scarlett and Ylo fight on, until Ylo delivers one massive punch and knocks Scarlett to the ground. Paul jumps out and in between them shouts, “Strike 1!” at which, Scarlett gathers herself and realizing she won’t defeat them all, flees the scene. Ylo doesn’t even break a sweat and shrugs, disappointed that she couldn’t knock Scarlett out cold. “Where did all that come from?” Clive asks her, still shocked at the strength and ability of Ylo.
As everybody gathers themselves, everybody except Ylo who appears completely fine, Benny comes running out. “Hey guys! What are you all doing out here?” he asks, nobody dares answer. “Anyway, I’ve just been talking with Una, and boy, have we got a surprise for you!” he beams. “In fact, here it comes now!” Benny says, sounding like an excited little boy. The overwhelming noise of rotary blades descends upon them and a helicopter lands a few metres away in the hotel grounds. “We’ve decided, that since you’re both my best friends, and I know you’d do the same for me, you’re coming for a little helicopter ride with us!” Benny splurts.
Clive and Graeme look at each other and then back at Benny. “Oh, no, no, we can’t,” they both stammer. “Nonsense, don’t be silly!” Benny replies, “I won’t take no for an answer, you’re going to have a great time with us!” he says as he ushers Clive and Graeme towards the helicopter. Clive turns back to face Ylo who looks on disappointedly, but Benny nudges him in the back to keep him moving. Paul, who has been hiding behind a tall piece of hedge topiary, creeps out and stands next to Ylo. “What is going on?” Paul asks, “I’ve no idea,” Ylo responds.
“So, are we going for a scenic tour over Edinburgh?” Clive shouts “I’ll bet we’re going to the Tattoo,” replies Graeme over the noise of the helicopter. He gazes down at Ylo and Paul waving worriedly below them. “WHAT?” Ben shouts. “I can’t hear you! Just enjoy the journey fellas, you’re in for a First Class surprise!” he smiles, hugging Una and planting a kiss on her cheek.
Clive and Graeme sit nervously, as the helicopter speeds up. It heads south and it’s not too long before they find themselves flying towards the English Channel. Clive and Graeme desperately try and get Benny and Una’s attention, but it’s to no avail. “YOU DO KNOW THIS ISN’T EDINBURGH RIGHT?” Graeme shouts. Benny laughs, “RELAX GUYS!” before long, they’re flying above a city of shimmering lights, and looking out the window, they pass the Eiffel Tower. Realization dawns on them and the helicopter comes to rest on a helipad on top of the Sofitel Paris La Defense. Two hotel staff appear to open the doors of the helicopter. Benny and Una exit and Graeme and Clive follow as the helicopter takes off behind them.
“Why the fuck are we in Paris?” Clive shouts, taking in his surroundings. Benny and Una head towards the door on the roof. “What about Ylo? I want her here,” Clive says, looking at Graeme. “This is meant to be the most romantic city in the world, and I’m here with you, and them. Typical!” Clive moans. “Since when were you so soppy?” Graeme teases, “Look, we’ll humour them for a bit and then we’ll leave. In the meantime, let’s just play nice.” He says, encouraging Clive so they can catch Benny and Una up. “Missing your lady?” Benny asks Clive. Clive just looks at him totally unimpressed. “Hey,” Benny says, looking around, making sure Una is out of earshot, “Just wait until you see the French chicks, you’ll have them eating out the palm of your hand!” Benny winks. “Yeah right,” Graeme snaps, “Have you seen us lately?” he says, pointing at his messy food-stained suit, “We have no money, no clothes, no nothing!” he exclaims. “Chill! You’re about to be waited on hand and foot. It’s all on me, whatever you want, it’s yours!” Benny replies. By now, they’ve caught Una up, as they’re making their way through the ornate corridors of the hotel, Benny moves ahead to speak to the staff in French. Una turns back, “Between you and me, Ben’s about to come into some money and I know how close you three are, he wants to share some of his good fortune with you! After all, he said you two would do the same for him if the boot was on the other foot,” Clive and Graeme stammer to try and correct Una, but she simply shakes her head and holds her hand up, “Just let him treat you, okay?” she says, turning back and linking arms with Benny. The group comes to a stop outside an elevator, “Right, let’s find our rooms, get cleaned up and we can sort out what these guys want to do over a couple of drinks, how’s that?” Benny says.
The elevator doors open and everyone steps inside. Silence fills the compartment and Clive and Graeme look nervously at each other. From nowhere, “ALIENS!” Benny shouts. Clive and Graeme jump, “Where? Where?” they reply looking around the elevator. “You two, you idiots! You’re both illegal aliens since you don’t have your passports.” Benny laughs. “Oh for fuck’s sake, what are we going to do?” Clive asks. “Don’t worry guys,” Una consoles, pulling out two wallets from her handbag. “These were handed in by a pair of pipers earlier. We’ve checked and your driving licenses are there and everything,” giggles Una. She pinches Benny’s arm, “What are you like?” she teases, “And the look on your faces when he said ‘aliens’, priceless!” she laughs.
The elevator stops, and upon exiting they reach their rooms which are opposite each other. “Right, we’ll meet down in the bar in twenty minutes.” Benny says, opening the door to his and Una’s suite. Clive and Graeme open the door to their room, closing it behind them they see what awaits them. It’s a beautiful room, but it contains a single king-size bed, “Oh great,” Clive says, “Graeme, they’ve taken us on their honeymoon and they think we are gay. I mean, is this a joke? He said a ‘First Class surprise’ but this is ridiculous!” Graeme fills the small kettle and switches it on, “I know, but like I said, we’ll get out of here soon enough. Tea?” he asks, “Thanks sausage” replies Clive. “I keep telling you to stop calling me the” answers Graeme.
Back in Rosslyn, Ylo and Paul are now both sat underneath the table that Paul found in the desolate entrance hall earlier. A text is flashing on Ylo’s phone, it’s from Clive, ‘We’re in Paris, they’ve taken us on their honeymoon, sorry x’ neither of them can believe it, “We have to get them back here!” Ylo whispers in disbelief, “This is not what’s meant to happen!” she continues. “Pair of idiots,” Paul shakes his head as Ylo dials a number, and anxiously holds the phone to her ear. “Pick up, please pick up Vera- VERA?” Ylo asks, “Ylo? Why are you whispering?” Vera replies. “Everything’s gone wrong, they’ve taken Graeme and Clive to Paris for their honeymoon, it’s all a mess.” Ylo says. “WHAT?” Vera shouts, Ylo jumps and holds the phone away from her ear. “I know, look, I just don’t know what to do next,” Ylo says. “There’s nothing else for it, we’re going to have to risk taking the ‘Blue Line’,” comments Vera. “Get Paul back to the box at the Post Office, and I’ll set up the route for Paris, we don’t have long!” Vera’s the one whispering now as Maurice is nearby. “Vera?” he asks, “Look, I’ve got to go,” Vera whispers closing her phone.
“If I’m going to Paris, there’s no way I’m looking like this!” Paul says, indicating at his tartan outfit. “I’ve got an idea,” Ylo says, sneaking out from under the table. Morphing into Una, she heads over to reception and speaks with the receptionist. He hands her a key and then heads into a back office. Ylo runs back to the table, “quick!” she whispers to Paul, they head for the stairs and make their way towards Benny and Una’s honeymoon suite. Opening the door they’re greeted by a beautiful room, lit candles, fresh roses and a giant hamper containing champagne and all sorts of treats. “Perfect!” Ylo exclaims removing all the goodies, “Jump in there!” Paul looks at her, unimpressed, he takes off his tartan bonnet and kilt and climbs into the empty hamper. “Man, I’m sick of wicker! Spielberg you got a lot to answer for,” Paul says to himself. Ylo leaves the room, carrying the hamper, it’s heavier than she imagined.
Walking down the dark street from the hotel, Ylo is still carrying the hamper containing Paul, who isn’t appreciating being squashed inside another wicker basket. “Ow… Ow…. Ow.” Paul says, periodically as the hamper bashes into Ylo’s leg every now and then, he then lights up a joint. A car pulls up alongside them, a familiar red Ferrari with a number plate reading ‘RAB 1’, “Need a lift?” a beautiful woman asks rolling down the window. “That would be great, yes please!” Ylo replies, Paul tries to spy through the wicker slats, he catches sight of her and wolf whistles as he draws again on his spliff. Ylo looks around as she hears the whistle, and climbs into the car. “Where are you heading?” the stunning driver asks, “Penicuik?” Ylo replies. The beautiful woman hesitates and then nods knowingly. “You don’t look like you’re from round here, you do realise, nothing will be open at this time don’t you?” she asks Ylo. “I know,” Ylo replies, feeling a little uncomfortable now. Paul from within his basket, is at the right level to notice that as the driver changes gear, she’s wearing the exact same ring as Scarlett was wearing at the wedding, and her nails are painted the same brilliant red. “Have you come from the wedding?” the siren of a woman asks trying to make polite conversation. “Yes…” Ylo replies, beginning to get suspicious now. Paul knows and jerks forward in his hamper trying to knock her but drops his spliff instead. “Oh I’m so sorry!” Ylo apologises, looking down at the hamper, as she looks up the impact has caused the driver to morph back into Scarlett. “No you’re not!” Scarlett stops the car, and kicks Ylo and Paul with such force that the car door opens behind them and they fall out and onto the grassy verge “Hey look what you did to my joint!” remarks Paul very annoyed. By the time they’ve gathered themselves, Scarlett is outside and ready to take any punches that come her way. Ylo, completely calm and in control kicks and flicks and punches and scratches and before long Scarlett is knocked stone cold to the ground. “You’re not getting away this time!” Ylo says, as she and Paul jump into the Ferrari. Ylo takes the wheel, smacks the spliff form Paul’s mouth and speeds to Penicuik, arriving outside the Post Office as the rest of the village sleeps soundly.
She and Paul jump out of the Ferrari and make their way to the postbox. “Right, you know what you’ve got to do,” Ylo says, Paul just nods, feeling rather patronized. He opens the door to the postbox and jumps in, “Tell Clive I miss him!” Ylo blurts, Paul pretends to be sick, “Eurgh! No!” he says, snapping the door shut. Ylo looks on as the inside of the postbox lights up with beautiful colours before fading to black leaving her stranded, in the darkness. She climbs back into the Ferrari and turns around to drive back to the wedding reception.
Meanwhile, in Paris, Clive and Graeme are enjoying the highlife, and are sightseeing around Paris. Cameras flash as they pose in front of the Eiffel Tower pretending to squash it between their fingers. As they enjoy being typical tourists, Paul arrives in the middle of Paris, exiting from an ornate blue post box into the middle of a busy Parisian street. “Fantastic,” Paul exclaims. Making himself invisible he finds a clothes shop and comes out complete with a striped shirt and a beret. Pulling his beret down as far as it will go, he jumps on a parked bicycle and begins to cycle along at high speed, picking up a string of onions as he passes a market. Feeling oh-so French, he tries to find where Clive and Graeme are.
Clive and Graeme continue to walk around the streets of Paris when they come across a ‘PAUL’ bakery, “Look what it is!” Graeme says, “Shall we stop for lunch?” Clive asks. They take a seat on an outside table at the bakery, “I wonder what he’s doing,” Graeme says. “Probably up to no good as usual!” Clive laughs. At that moment a bicycle flies down the hill in front of them. It’s Paul, travelling at such high speed, he looks to his left as he noticed the name of the bakery too and doesn’t see a car in front of him. He crashes into it and hurtles through the air. Landing on the pavement, the onions fall down on top of him. Eager that nobody notices what he is, he gets, up and makes his way back up the hill, beret over his face again, and heads for the ‘PAUL’ bakery.
“Surprise, surprise!” Paul exclaims upon seeing Clive and Graeme. He pulls a chair up to their table and takes a seat with them. “Anyone for Bagels and Coffee?” he laughs. “WTF are you doing here?” Clive nervously spurts out as he tries to stop onlookers seeing him. Paul, still dizzy from the spliff, the accident and the journey is struggling to stay invisible. Clive grabs a couple of coat-hangers from a rail from the shop next door and pretends Paul is a mime puppet in order to disguise him from passers by. “Pretty lifelike isn’t he?” Graeme shouts.
“We’re all required back in Scotland and I’ve been sent here to find you idiots.” Paul explains. “But how did you even get here?” asks Graeme impatiently. “I came by First Class Airmail of course!” chuckles Paul. Graeme and Clive look none the wiser, Paul sighs. “Basically, there are eight blue Airmail pillar-boxes across Paris and I’ve pretty much depleted all the energy in trying to rescue you guys.” He explains. A beautiful Parisian model-like figure walks past Clive and winks at him. “Who needs rescuing?” grins Graeme as Paul closes Clive’s open mouth with his hand. “Right, we’ve got to get you back to the Hotel, you can’t go round Paris like that!” says Graeme. Paul’s eyes roll back as he is so dizzy by now, he falls over and collapses. Graeme grabs the tablecloth and wraps it around Paul to hide him before handing him to Clive. “Why am I the one always left holding the baby?” Clive snaps.
Graeme and Clive head towards the Metro with Paul held tightly against Clive’s shoulder. Inside the tablecloth, Paul is feeling very queasy as they hurriedly skip down the steps to the platform. Paul can’t hold it any longer and finally throws up all down Clive’s back before passing out completely unbeknownst to Clive.
“Excusez-moi? Yer babee as been sick monsieur,” Clive hears over his shoulder in a French accent. He turns around, “What? Sorry, pardon?” he replies. “Yer babee as been sick ull down yer back,” the Frenchman says lifting up Paul’s beret to show Clive. “Ooo what an oogly babee you two have! Is it your feerst?” the Frenchman comments. Clive rolls his eyes, “No, we,” (he says pointing) “are not a couple!” he says exasperated. The Frenchman doesn’t understand fully, either that or he just doesn’t believe him. “I sink yor babee is dead,” says the Frenchman, “he smells dead.” At this Graeme turns around, “Non!” he tries in French and then gives up, “He’s a mime!” the Frenchman shrugs his shoulders and Graeme and Clive turn to make their way back up the steps.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Benny and Una are in their suite supping champagne and watching BBC World Service. The newscaster is reporting on the national lottery in the UK. “Look!” says Benny turning up the volume, “It’s about the National Lottery!” “Well honey, I think we’ve finally got them where we want them.” replies Una. “What’s theirs is ours, what’s ours is theirs, 3,271,380 lovely pounds here we come!” she says gleefully. Just as she lies back, they hear the prize money has been claimed by a sweet old couple from Edinburgh. Una sits bolt upright. “No! No! Noooo!” Benny shouts raising his hands to his head. “You stupid eejit!” Una shouts at him. “What the hell were you thinking? ‘Oh aye, trust me, we’re gonna be rich.’” She scowls imitating him. “We’re £15,000 in debt on our first day! You can put that bloody champagne down for a start! We cannae afford it! What are we gonnae do?” Una says smacking Benny round the head. “Stop woman!” Benny grabs her arms to defend himself. “There’s always your money!” shouts Benny. “Aye, and my money it will stay!” she shouts back. “What happened to ‘for richer and for poorer’?” reminds Benny.
Back on the televisions, the BBC starts to report some strange goings on in Paris with some amateur phone footage of Paul on his bike with the onions. The newscaster reveals that there is a €50,000 reward for any information on the whereabouts of this creature.
Meanwhile, Graeme and Clive have decided to run all the way back to the hotel, leaving a trail of sick in their wake. Clive runs up the stairs, taking two at a time as Graeme grabs the keys from reception.
Just as he’s about to take the stairs, the lift door opens. Realising it would be quicker to take the elevator, he gets in. A maid joins him in the lift and they both stand there listening to the stereotypical elevator music. They glance at each other avoiding eye contact. The odour of Paul’s vomit slowly fills the elevator and the maid begins to sniff the air, Graeme mimics her action to distract her from the smell. After an awkward journey, the lift door opens and Graeme makes a swift exit. “It’s my new aftershave!” he says looking back to see the maid giggle.
Clive has managed to stuff Paul into a tea maid’s trolley and has donned another maid’s outfit. He’s waiting anxiously, trying to look busy outside the door to their suite. “You’re beginning to make a habit of that!” chuckles Graeme as he turns the corner and sees Clive. “Shut it! Let’s get inside, quick!” snaps Clive. They quickly enter their room and slam the door behind them, relieved.
Across the hall, Benny and Una both hear the return of Clive and Graeme. “You’d better go and tell them tae pack. We cannae afford another night in this place! And don’t be surprised if I’m no here when you get back!” Una snaps pushing Benny out the door. “But love, don’t be like this, come on.” Benny begs. Una opens the door again and throws Benny’s suitcase at him sending him stumbling backwards towards Clive and Graeme’s door. As he falls against the door, it opens knocking Graeme against Clive, who in turn falls into the trolley, which is heading for the Jacuzzi. Clive tries his best to keep Paul under the water to hide him from Benny, but Benny can’t help himself and offers to give Clive a hand getting out of the Jacuzzi.
Paul can’t hold his breath any longer and spurts out a huge jet of water and sick as he surfaces like a blue whale. “WTF are you trying to do? Drown me? You bagelhead!” splutters Paul. Benny points and falls backwards knocking the rest of the trolley flying. Clive, Graeme and Paul all look at Benny out stone cold on the floor. “Quick, we’ve got to get out of here before he recovers!” shouts Graeme. “We’ve got to make it to the blue Airmail box on the Champs-Élysées!” screams Paul. “But what about us?” asks Clive. “There’s boxes for everyone, it’ll be fine.” Paul replies.
Graeme tries to pull Paul and Clive out of the Jacuzzi but falls in as he fails. After much splashing and frolicking, they all manage to get out and head for the fire escape on the balcony. Leaving a trail of soapy footprints behind them, the two of them dash down the street in their wet clothes, with Paul trying desperately hard to stay invisible.
Back in the hotel room, Una bursts through the door to find Benny still unconscious on the floor. She slaps him about the face to try and revive him, Benny grabs her arms once more, “Stop it!” he shouts. “What’s with all this slapping?” he asks looking vexed. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I was just angry. Like you said though, for richer and for poorer, ay?” Una says looking apologetic. “Anyway, what the hell happened to you? And where are Graeme and Clive?” she asks. “Aliens Una. You’re not going to believe this, but aliens,” Benny says astonished. At that, Una notices that Benny has wet his trousers, “Are you okay Benny? Have you hit your head? Are you feeling alright?” she questions frantically, as she starts to kiss his forehead. “Una, Una, UNA!” shouts Benny. “I’m serious, they’re aliens Una!” he adds. “No, they have their passports now remember?” Una retorts. “Be quiet!” Benny snaps, “Just listen for a minute!” at this, Una begins to cry, “Mother was right about you, you’re nothing but a bully and a complete nutcase!” she blubs. Benny sighs, “please?” he pleads. He jumps to his feet, takes Una by the hand back to their room and begins to flick through the TV channels until he eventually finds another news story about the ‘Alien sightings in Paris!’. “Look!” he exclaims turning the TV up. The French news goes on to show the same report as the BBC with Paul landing next to Graeme and Clive at the café (with English subtitles).
Una stares in disbelief as the ‘€50,000 Reward’ sign flashes up on the screen. “So,” Benny says with a devilish grin. “Reward money, and it’s all ours!” He quickly jumps up and pulls Una through to Clive and Graeme’s room, “We’ve got to find them! Look, they must have gone down the fire escape!” he says pulling Una onto the balcony. “You’re crazy!” Una screams, but she’s too late, Benny is on his way down the escape already. She reluctantly follows, her heel getting stuck on the way down, but Benny doesn’t falter and continues to drag her down the stairs.
Finally, Paul, Clive and Graeme arrive at the Champs-Élysées to find the three post boxes in front of them. Tracing their shape, there’s a tall blue one, a double red one and a little square box attached to the side. “Fantastic!” Paul exclaims, “They’re being emptied! We can’t use them unless there is less than ten letters in them otherwise it screws up with our molecular structures. You’ve seen ‘The Fly’ right? Well guess where they got that idea from! Right, it’s clear, let’s go!” Paul turns invisible again and immediately runs for the blue one, reaching inside the rectangular hole to unlock them. All the boxes swing open. “Quick! Get in!” Paul shouts as he jumps into the blue box. Graeme starts to climb into the blue one too as he can’t see Paul, “Oi, numb nuts! Get your own!” Paul whispers. “I thought that was mine,” Graeme replies. “No, you and Clive in the big one, I’m the only one who knows how to drive these things.” “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” interrupts Clive, “you can’t drive fuck all!” he snaps.
Clive and Graeme frantically fight and struggle to squeeze into the double box but finally manage to fit in, “Right, we’re in. Now what?” they mutter. “Okay, I’ve just gotta contact ‘home-base’ to get the next available box.” Paul says. “What the fuck have Homebase got to do with anything? Do we get Nectar points or something?” Clive asks, giggling with Graeme. “No bagelhead! Home – base, mission control, geez! And you think you’re intelligent life?” Paul answers with exasperation.
“WAIT!” Clive shouts, “There are still a few letters in here.” “Well toss them out the hole then,” Paul replies. “We’ll soon be ready to go, just waiting for the letters to clear at the other end.” At that the doors begin to lock and the inside of the box begins to illuminate, Graeme and Clive look around themselves in astonishment. In the distance Benny and Una can be heard, “Look! The water trail goes this way, come on!” Graeme looks through the slot to see Benny and Una running down the street towards them. Clive is still trying to push the letter back out the slot, but a little boy keeps on putting them back in. “Piss off, piss off, little bugger!” Clive shouts. “Oh, guys? I forgot to tell you,” Paul pipes up, “if your clothes are wet they won’t travel, they’ll be disintegrated on the way. Hang onnnn, we’re goingggg!” and in a flash, they’re transported back to the UK.
Benny and Una arrive completely out of breath (Una is missing a shoe) where the little boy is standing with half a letter sizzling in his hand looking perplexed. Benny notices this is where the wet footprints belonging to Clive and Graeme stop.
Everything is dark, “Hey guys, are you there? It’s me, are you there?” Paul says anxiously trying to make contact to no avail. All he can hear is ‘Englishman in New York’, as he opens the door of the postbox and sees Sting busking outside the postbox in London. Two kids try to vandalise the postbox but Paul spooks them. “Why is it you can never find The Police when you want them?” he mutters. “You lost too?” he says looking towards Sting.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you on the scanner,” the voice of Vera replies. “They are in Princess Street and you’re in London. I’ll try and get you closer when a box becomes available, meanwhile I’ll make contact with them,” adds Vera.
“God, what the hell happened?” Graeme asks, “Where are we, and where are our clothes?” he adds. “Yuck, if that’s not bad enough, I’m upside down and my view is disgusting, can you move over?” Clive replies. “Guys, guys, it’s me, can you hear me?” comes the voice of Paul. “Come on, get us out of here!” Clive shouts. “Vera’s doing her best to get you out,” Paul replies. “Vera? Who’s Vera?” they both ask. “My wife,” retorts Paul. “Your WIFE?” they ask in disbelief. “Yeah, you’ve already met her, remember Miss Adventure from your First Class? Long story, but yeah, she’s my wife and right now she’s doing her best to get you out of there. I’m stuck somewhere in London, but she’s going to try and get me closer. Hopefully we can meet up amongst the madness of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.” Paul explains.
“Your wife though? How old are you?” Graeme asks. “Well, about two hundred earth years old,” Paul replies and he continues to explain how he and Vera came over in the 1940s to visit Ylo. He had dropped Vera off and was on his way back to the mother ship but crashed in Roswell instead.
“But Vera doesn’t look like you, like an alien I mean,” Clive interrupts. “Who’s the expert now?” cuts Paul. Paul explains how the female of the species can morph into human form for up to eight hours a day and males have temporary invisibility when they hold their breath. “What happens if you’re gay?” Clive asks curiously. “I knew you’d ask me that!” Paul laughs, “Questioning your sexuality Clive?” adds Paul. “No, I’m as straight as they come!” defends Clive. “Well I’m not the one stuck naked inside a metal closet with my head in another guy’s groin.” Laughs Paul hysterically. “Okay guys, pack it in,” interjects Vera, “According to your heat patterns, Clive, your nose should be near the release button for the door. Just turn your head to the right and it should press it.” Clive and Graeme both look embarrassed, “You can see us?” Clive asks with some panic in his voice. “Only your heat signature,” replies Vera. Graeme lets out a yelp as he feels something cold touch his groin, “There’s a fucking rat in here! It just touch me! Between my legs! I hate rats! Get me out!” Clive panics and rips a huge fart. “Relax,” interrupts Vera, “Clive, I meant your other right, I forgot you were upside down!” and laughs to herself. Paul can’t help but join in, “Bet you enjoyed that one Graeme, I know you love a good boner!” and keeps laughing. “Guys stay there, I’ll find my way to you,” Vera says. “There’s a shop behind you, I’ve remotely opened the door, run in there and get some clothes and I’ll direct Paul to you as soon as he’s closer,” reassures Vera.
Throughout all this, Scarlett believes that Clive and Graeme have fled to Edinburgh. She’s been slowly and tediously working her way through the crowds of Scotsmen in their kilts, trying different tactics to see what’s written on their backsides.
Clive and Graeme both stumble out of the front of the postbox under the veil of the night. They quickly cover their privates with their hands, “Shit, it’s freezing! Quick, let’s run into the shop,” says Graeme. “Where’s the fucking door?” asks Clive. “This way!” answers Graeme. They dash down a little lane and find a door half way down on the left.
“Let’s go in here, it’s nice and warm,” Clive insists. They both step through the door and discover they’re in a bondage shop. “OMG, take a look at this lot!” Clive says excitedly, grabbing a leather bra similar to that worn by Madonna and holding it to his chest. “What the hell can we find to wear in here?” laughs Graeme picking up a leather and tartan thong. They both laugh looking at all the paraphernalia, holding up different items to each other and laughing their heads off. Soon they hear someone open the door and both hide for cover under some leather underwear. Paul coughs, “Guys, are you in here?” Clive and Graeme timidly stand up, Clive wearing the Madonna bra he picked up earlier with a leather studded thong, and Graeme wearing a rubber vest and some Tarzan trunks. Paul stands there shocked and trying hard not to laugh, “Wow! Well whatever floats your boat! You make a lovely couple,” he laughs. Clive and Graeme look at each other embarrassed. “This gives me a fantastic idea!” Paul exclaims pointing a finger in the air cackling.
Next thing, they all come clambering out the door, Clive and Graeme leading the way dressed to the nines in bondage gear, wearing leather masks and metal studded collars. Paul is behind, dressed in studded leather complete with a hood, holding on to the chains attached to Clive and Graeme’s collars. “Come on bitches, what else can we do?” chuckles Paul. They all start to walk towards the weird and wonderful sights of the ‘Edinburgh Fringe Festival’. “Hey guys, did anybody ever tell you, you look great in leather?” Paul giggles, doing his best to make them feel uncomfortable. “Where are we going?” asks Clive, “my fucking stilettos are killing me!” Graeme laughs, “you wore stilettos? What was wrong with boots?” he asks. “They didn’t match my outfit,” defends Clive.
Paul tells them they have to get to the gates of Edinburgh Castle where they will rendezvous with Ylo on the Royal Mile. “Ylo is going to see me like this? Are you kidding? For fuck’s sake!” Clive winces panicking. “Don’t worry, love is blind,” Paul says, winking at Clive. “What? She loves me?” Clive begs Paul to give him an answer. “Anyway, we’re nearly there, look she’s over there!” Paul begins to wave frantically, choking the guys as he does so. Dumbstruck Clive finds himself in front of Ylo once more. His whole world becomes motionless and quiet as he stares into the eyes of the most beautiful woman he has ever imagined. (‘Yellow’ by Coldplay as background music). His mouth begins to open as he is so dumbstruck, “Glad you dressed for the occasion!” Ylo giggles, closing Clive’s mouth. “Sorry, it’s all I could find, I didn’t know I was going to meet you again,” stutters Clive. “Well, at least you found a bra to fit you,” she laughs. “So what’s going on?” asks Clive. “Why are we here?”
Ylo begins to explain that every year pipe bands from all over the world try to unlock the power of the lay lines. In 1950 they discovered a parchment that told of them somehow being connected with Edinburgh Castle and the Royal Mile. Rumour also has it that it can be unlocked by a sequence of sounds. Since 1950, each of the bands takes it in turn to play their piece in the hope of cracking the code. No one knows what the result is or how it will happen. All they know is that it will bring unity, but in the wrong hands it could cause destruction.
Recently, Vera, Paul’s wife discovered that when ‘Auld Lang Syne’ was played at the Royal Albert Hall, a series of blue lights flashed on the ceiling, it seems this was a digital code. She has interpreted these via the most sophisticated computer and it produced a set of co-ordinates and what seems to be a sketch.
“Okay boys! Time to drop your pants and show me what you’ve got!” giggles Ylo. “But we’re only on our second date,” replies Clive looking shocked. “Well yes, but Vera has tattooed the information on both your bums to keep it as a secret as she daren’t broadcast it over the airwaves. Now bend over!” Ylo says forcefully. “Haha, I bet they’re used to hearing that one!” Paul laughs. “So that’s what the pain was?” Graeme and Clive exclaim looking relieved at each other.
“Quick, into this alleyway and let me get a torch,” Ylo says, making Clive bend over, she reads the words ‘Rood, Burg’ out loud. “I always knew you were a rude bugger!” laughs Graeme. “Rood Burg? What does that mean?” asks Clive looking puzzled. “Okay Graeme, your turn, bend over!” Ylo insists. “And touch your toes you faggot,” Paul laughs again. ‘Holy Edin’ Ylo reads aloud this time. “Holyrood House, Edinburgh,” Graeme pipes up, “It’s at the foot of the Royal Mile, just down there.” He adds. “Yes, just a mile east of here,” Ylo says pointing in the direction.
As Ylo points, Scarlett who has been working her way through all the Scotsmen catches sight of them. At the same time, Ylo notices her and shouts, “Quick, we’ve got to run! Scarlett’s spotted us!” They all begin to run down the High Street, Clive struggling to move quickly due to his shoes. He ditches them and throws them off while he runs. People either side of the street are shouting at them as they dash on down the street jeering them on, “Hey, I think you bitches are on heat!” they hear from the crowd. Scarlett, exhausted and inebriated is doing her best to catch up, causing her morphing to start polarizing a little and she multi-morphs into the desires of all the passing men (slowing her down).
As Paul, Ylo, Clive and Graeme are running, security men from ‘Clubhive’ divert them down towards Waverley Station. They are awaiting the arrival of Venis Hum who is accompanying the Blue Man Group there. Graeme spots some mobility scooters parked up round the corner, “Quick, everyone, jump on these!” he shouts and they all clamber on. “Don’t tell me I’m back in the basket!” Paul grumbles. “Okay, do your stuff Paul,” insists Clive. “What stuff?” Paul asks, confused. “You know, your ET, Alien stuff!” Graeme adds. “You guys watch way too much TV, get a life!” Paul snaps. “Don’t worry,” Ylo cuts in, she then points at each of the buggies with what looks like a remote control and they all rev up. She hands a headset to Paul, “Here, you can talk to Vera on this.” She says. (Paul sings ‘Meatloaf’s Bat out of hell’ as the all head off).
Meanwhile, Scarlett has reached where the same security guards are standing. The power of their combined thoughts cause Scarlett to morph into Venis Hum. Immediately they rush around her and escort her to the awaiting BMG. The power of the whole crowd waiting in anticipation cause her to stay morphed as Venis. The music begins and the autocue rolls, she has no choice but to sing ‘I Feel Love’ like Venis. Part way through the song, the real Venis comes running on to the stage. The crowd go wild as they can’t believe what they are seeing. Venis professionally continues joining in to the end of the song as the BMG improvise. At the end, Venis hugs Scarlett and speaks into her ear, “Now get off my fucking stage before I knock you out, bitch!” smiles and waves to the crowd. Scarlett rushes off the stage and back out on to the street, she realises there is only one way to go and heads after them.
As Paul, Ylo, Clive and Graeme head down towards the bridge, Clive shouts, “I don’t think this is the way to Holyrood, the sing back there said that way…” pointing in the other direction. “Look!” Paul says, “that double decker bus down there has ‘Holyrood Palace’ written on the back sign, maybe we can all hop on that?” he says making a dash for the bus. Jumping on it, they sit down and remove their hoods and collars. Looking around they realise there’s no one on the bus and no driver. “Shit! There’s no driver!” Graeme shouts. “Not a problem, I got it!” Paul replies, and before they can say anything he’s at the front of the bus in the seat. The bus has actually broken down and is hitched up to a tow truck. Paul approaches the cab of the tow truck to find a big guy leaning back in the driver’s seat, and puffing on a joint. “Howzit goan wee man?” the man asks, drawing on the joint. “I didn’t get a word of that,” replies Paul. “Aw ye must be fray oota toon!” realises the driver. “Say what?” Paul answers, pulling his leather hood off to see if he can hear any better. The driver realises he’s an alien and says, “Fucking good shit this is!” immediately passing out. Paul opens the cab and allows the man to fall out, grabbing the driver’s joint as he falls past him. “Hate to see a decent joint go to waste!” chuckles Paul taking a huge draw from the joint before jumping into the cab.
Unbeknownst to Paul, Scarlett has been joined by two of her minions and eventually has caught up with them. They jump on the back of the bus with Scarlett shouting, “Give me the code to the power bitch! It belongs to me!” Paul pulls away with the bus in tow causing the bus to lunge forward throwing Scarlett into the arms of Clive. This makes Scarlett immediately turn into Ylo. Scarlett takes advantage of this and gives Clive a slow kiss. “Remember our first kiss, handsome,” she says, pressing the tip of his nose with her finger.
She slides her other hand down towards his leather pants and tries to rip them off, “Give me the codes!” she shouts. Just then Ylo jumps on her back and starts a girly fight. By this time the bus is swaying all over the road as Paul is trying to master the controls. He smacks into a roadside vedor cause lots of cans of Iron Bru to land inside. Clive and Graeme are desperately banging on the front window trying to get Paul’s attention but are failing. They grab some of the cans, shaking them frantically and throwing them into the mouths of the minions. They bite down on the causing their heads to explode. The fighting between Ylo and Scarlet continues and they fight their way up the stairs onto the open deck. Graeme and Clive follow doing their best to support but stay out of the way. Paul is following the road signs to Holyrood Palace whilst communicating with Vera on the headset. Swaying all over the road he causes Scarlett to go flying off the bus. Eventually they bus comes to a stop right outside Holyrood Palace next to a beautiful blue ornate pillar box.
Paul jumps out of the cab and runs to the back of the bus where he finds everybody strewn all over the place. “Hey what’s with all the blood, did you guys have a party without me?” he chuckles as everyone else moans struggling to get to their feet.” “Quick we haven’t much time we don’t know where Scarlett landed,” shouts Ylo. “Vera and Her Majesty are on their way, I think you should at least comb your hair, know what I’m sayin’ guys huh?” adds Paul. “Don’t worry guys, Vera will arrive first, she’s bringing some clothes for you.” A familiar flash comes from inside the beautiful ornate pillar box and a second later Vera steps out looking as stunning as ever complete with clothes for everybody.
Paul and Vera run up to each other and Vera morphs into her own Alien self. They then turn round and rub their butts together “What, it’s more hygienic than kissing,” they say together. “Hurry up and change guys, ‘Her Majesty’ will be here in a minute with the crown containing the ‘Blue Sapphire’.” “You mean we are going to meet your Queen? WOW!” says Graham. “No you are going to meet your Queen” retorts Ylo. Vera morphs back into a beautiful woman wearing more appropriate clothes. Ylo redresses too and they both stand by the pillar box. First of all a piper comes through the box closely followed by the Queen arrives. “Good evening, Your Majesty. These are the two brave undercover agents I told you about Ma’am.” Vera says pointing to Clive and Graham. The Queen walks over and greets them. They are both completely dumbstruck. “Sorry Your Majesty as you know time is of the essence,” “Yes of course,” the Queen replies. She opens a box that the piper is holding. There, sparkling in front of her is the Royal Crown containing the Blue Sapphire. It had been handed down from Queen Victoria’s Royal Crown. The Queen presses three points on the crown and the sapphire is released. The Queen then hands the precious stone to Ylo and says, “I hope you know what you are doing,” Ylo curtseys and Vera tells Ylo to scale the ornamental fountain by the gates. “Okay boys now it’s your turn!” “What?!” they both exclaim looking panic-stricken and puzzled. “You’re both going to have to bend over again and stand together so the piper can read the notes I put on there.” Vera adds. “Not in front of the Queen surely? We can’t pull our trousers down in front of the Queen!” Clive begs. “Hey guys I wish I’d brought my camera,” Paul giggles. “And to think my great grandmother thought your were a Saint Paul when you helped her with the Cathedral!” The Queen replies. “Don’t worry guys I have the music here,” Vera laughs.
Ylo places the sapphire into a slot at the top of the fountain and Vera holds up some sheet music in front of the piper and asks him to play. “Och, I don’t need music for this wan!” the piper says, “Every piper knows this wan. The piper tunes up his pipes and plays the first thirty notes of ‘Auld Lang Syne’. The sapphire resonates to the sound and eventually fires a beam of light to the stone crown above the front entrance of Holyrood Palace.
The light pierces through a small hole in the cross at the top of crown. The Crown glows a mystic blue colour similar to that seen in the Albert Hall. Eventually the beam splits, two parts into the statues above the door and one back to the fountain. The fountain begins to make unusual mechanical noises and eventually a cube rises into the void under the fountain’s crown. The other beams project from the door figures and create a picture of Roslynn Chapel and the full music to the tune of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ on the ground. “Quick we’ve got to get to Rosslynn Chapel!” Vera exclaims. Ylo grabs the cube from the fountain along with the sapphire and jumps back to the ground. “Thank you Ma’am. We finally have the key to the power source.” Ylo says, handing the sapphire back to the Queen. “God’s speed to all of you,” the Queen exclaims as they all rush back to the Royal Pillar box. Vera assists the Queen back into the Royal Pillar box and remotely sends her on her way.
Everybody runs towards the double decker bus. “This is no good,” Graeme remarks. “I know,” says Clive, “I think we need one that says “Rosslynn on the front!” he adds. “OK girls can you get this thing running?” Paul suggests. They both scowl at him, “You know we’re the best mechanics in the universe” replies Vera. Within minutes Vera and Ylo get the bus going. Vera jumps in the front cab and they head towards Rosslynn Chapel. Ylo then takes the time to explain to Clive, Graeme and the piper the significance of the cube and the Apprentice Pillar.
Meanwhile Scarlett has regained consciousness and sees everyone pull away in the bus. Scarlett is joined by a couiple of her alien minions as they takes some shortcuts until eventually she catches up with them and jumps into the top deck. Scarlett sneaks down from the top deck just as Ylo is holding the cube in there air. Scarlett snatches the cube form Ylo’s hand and screams, “Finally the power will be all mine! I’ve been waiting for ever to get my hands on my great grandfather’s key!” she shrieks. Ylo dives at Scarlett before she gets a chance to run back up the bus’ stairwell. They break into another girly bitch slapping fight as they head up the stairs. The guys run up after them as if to try and intervene but once again keep their distance. The fighting continues. Scarlett eventually gets the better of Ylo and pushes Ylo to the floor with her foot firmly on her chest. Ylo desperately tries everything to push her away but is failing. Clive and Graeme look at the girls feeling pretty helpless and desperate. Then they both notice the sign for ‘Danger! Low bridge’ fast approaching the back of Scarlett’s head, as she is about to finish off poor Ylo.
Meanwhile Rab C has gotten himself a bit drunk and is parked at the top of a bridge. He is desperately missing Mary Doll and is still drinking malt whiskey. Eventually he decides he can’t live without her, slams his foot on the accelerator and flies of the bridge in his little red Ferrari.
Just as Scarlett raises her arms to strike her final blow, Rab’s Ferrari comes crashing down on Scarlett’s head and flattens her. The cube flies in slow motion across the bus as everyone dives for it. Eventually Paul gets it in his hand. The bus obviously comes to an immediate halt.
Vera comes running from the front of the bus to see what all the commotion is about, “Finally we’ve got rid of that bitch!” Ylo says as she throws her fist in the air. “Okay guys we are not far from Rosslynn Chapel and we don’t have much time left,” Vera adds.
All four of them get to the front of the chapel. “This way guys! We have to go through the baptistery. Queen Victoria had it purposely built in 1861,” says Veera. They all go in and before them is the main hall with the alter at the far end. Already there seems to be an eerie bluish light floating across the ceiling. Once more Vera asks the piper to warm his bagpipes up and play the notes. Almost immediately the cubes in the ceiling start to resonate and create interference patterns in the blue light. As the piper plays the first few notes of ‘Auld Lang Syne’, they can feel a rumbling and hear the sound of heavy mechanical movement coming from beneath their feet. They follow the sound towards the alter, by now the ceiling is filled by an incredible light show depicting the journey of the Knights Templar, however there still seems to be problems with the transmission.
“Quick throw me the key!” shouts Vera as she notices there is one cube missing in the ceiling. “How on earth are we going to get it up there?” she asks looking puzzled. Paul leaps forward and takes the cube from Vera’s hand, “Trust me honey,” Paul says winking at her. Paul then climbs up the Apprentice Pillar and rolls the cube towards the point of the missing cube. The cube spins and glows, eventually slowing down and taking its rightful place. “Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice honey,” Paul says with a huge grin on his face as he as he climbs back down the pillar.
With the placement of the final cube, the light show intensifies and the Apprentice Pillar begins to rotate. The rumbling intensifies, and two slabs open up in front of the alter. “Keep playing! Keep playing!” Vera shouts to the piper. She leads everyone to the opening where they can see a set of illuminated stairs. They all slowly head down the stairs into a chamber. There is a large rectangular table, which looks alien in origin.
Guarding the table at each corner stands the silver armour of the Knights Templar holding swords. More rumbling and mechanical sounds can be heard as Clive shouts, “Look!” pointing to the Knights. Their swords drop diagonally across the table causing it to illuminate red in colour, creating the Knights Templar flag. The swords move together as more mechanical sounds can be heard before the table changes to a blue colour creating the St. Andrew’s flag of Scotland. The red and blue flags flash and merge, eventually becoming the Union Jack.
In the distance everyone can hear the same music being played at the castle. Lots of pipers mysteriously arrive outside the chapel along with several drummers and other people who all begin to join in with the song. ‘Auld Lang Syne’ is getting louder and louder. Soon people all over Edinburgh hear the sound of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and begin to join in. Inside and outside the chapel, harmonized notes can be heard. “This is the centre point of the positive energy of the lay lines,” says Vera, “and the chapel is responsible for the energy source. A hundred and fifty years ago with the help of Queen Victoria we transferred the energy through the country to help keep peace and harmony. As long as people were sending good wishes in the post then the positive energy would continue. However with the birth of the internet, the postal system has slowly depleted. Its predominate use now is for sending junk mail and bills causing the positive energy to diminish very quickly. We also used the flow of energy to transfer our operatives through the UK,” Vera finishes. “With all these people singing in unity and harmony hopefully we can restore the power for a bit longer,” smiles Ylo.
Paul, Graeme, Clive, Ylo and Vera all join in and hold hands in the traditional way as they sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’. Unfortunately Paul’s feet can’t reach the ground, none the less he still joins in. Lots of alien ships arrive all over the Edinburgh skyline as the camera pans along the crowd, more and more aliens take their true form.
From the air the chapel glows in the dark, and all the lay lines glow as the their connections are recharged. Fireworks can be seen shooting from
Edinburgh Castle as the whole country becomes unified in song. Everybody holds hands singing and dancing to the closing credits.
A clip of Paul sitting with the Queen having Tea and Bagels as they both look out at St Paul’s Cathedral.
A clip of Sheldon Cooper saying ‘Well if they’d asked me first, I could have told them how to solve it’.
A Clip of Benny and Una stuck inside the Parisian Post boxes.
The cast I had in mind when writing this
Graeme ……………………………………….…………….Simon Pegg
Rab C. Nesbett……………………..…………………..Greg Fisher
Mary Doll………………………….…………………..Elain C. Smith
Bill Bailey………………………………………………………Bill Bailey
Best Man………………………………………….John Barrowman
Areas where I thought the story could be expanded
Clive running for the train
Clive and Graeme in the train
A bigger battle scene between the train, the spaceships and the helicopter. Good place to add pyrotechnics. Possibly even a cameo from Mission Impossible .
Scarlett seducing more Scotsmen.
More detail in the food fight.
More detail at the wedding.
More detail in the chase in Paris.
An after shot of Benny and Una accidentally locking themselves the Parisian post boxes and no one coming to their rescue.
A bigger chase on the Royal Mile with Scarlett.
A bigger fight scene on the bus.
A couple of Scarlett’s minions attacking them all in the Chapel.
And of course a huge “Thank You” to Simon Pegg and Nick Frost who inspired me to write this.
I don’t consider myself a writer in any shape or form but I really enjoyed sitting down with my son’s Daniel and David during the Easter break to watch A Nick Frost and Simon Pegg marathon. Next thing I knew I had this whole story in my head
I hope you have had as much fun reading this as I have enjoyed writing it